Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
