"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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