She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
