just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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