I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
