Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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