I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize