Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
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