I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
