I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
