Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
my being single is dangerous.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
