ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
they're like a gay fantastic four
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
