A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
