Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
