I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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