Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize