so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
