an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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