ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
All the doctor said was why
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
