the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
