When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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