dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
