did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
