he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
