so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
