Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
