I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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