mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
