After last night, I could never be a politician.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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