I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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