I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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