I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
