I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
