And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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