i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
