did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I wish I only lived at night.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
