I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
