i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
