I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
