I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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