After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize