Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
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