this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
