Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
