you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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