dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
