i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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