We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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