I CAN MOONWALK!
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
