that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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