Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
