I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
