Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
