It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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