never play flip cup with pint glasses
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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