in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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