T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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