I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
