WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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