just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
