Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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