oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
