On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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