Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
he fucked my hip out of place.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
