Apparently you make a good broom.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
