Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
BRING THE BAGELS
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
